It’s December, which means that people far and wide are busy hiding out from the cold and/or are on the hunt for that perfect gift. And what better gift for the person who has everything than a little… porn? Sure, why not!

Really, December just gives me an excuse to talk about some of the clever and well-done projects that have come out of the adult industry during the preceding year. But there’s no way to (un)cover a year’s worth of porno all at once, so here’re a few highlights and suggestions. They’re my gift to you – enjoy!

Game of Bones and This Ain’t Girls XXX [Links NSFW]

I’ll spare you the over-amped sociology-based explanation (read: tirade) regarding why I get all giddy about HBO’s “Game of Thrones” and truly detest “Girls,” but damn it if I don’t love both Zero Tolerance’s Game of Bones and Hustler’s This Ain’t Girls XXX.

Both projects capture the essence of their respective source material in a way that will satisfy the purists and the haters. Game of Bones is absolutely hilarious and includes an Iron Throne made of dildos, while Girls XXX cleverly showcases the exact type of over-analyzing and self-reflection that anchor its softcore source. Either would make an excellent gift for that HBO aficionado you got Secret Santa assigned to.

Here’s the Game of Bones trailer. Two words: dragon kitties!

 

Digital Sin’s Meet [So-and-So] Star Showcases [Link NSFW]

A star showcase is a title made up of a diverse set of sex scenes, each starring the particular performer being “showcased.” Interview sequences with the featured star generally happen between each scene.

Star showcases are a pretty popular genre/format in porn, and I actually really love them (for the interviews!). Though lots of studios produce star showcases, Digital Sin has been doing them particularly well since 2012’s Meet Bonnie Rotten. For 2014, they have Meet Dakota Skye, Meet Kelly Shibari, and my favorite – Meet Carter Cruise.

Meet Carter basically takes you on a wild ride through a bunch of sex and chatting with a real-life embodiment of every sorority party girl fantasy you’ve ever had. Ms. Carter is pretty hardcore though, thus Meet Carter might not be a good gift for porno newbies or the faint of heart.

pictured: Carter Cruise via Carter Cruise

Porno X-Men, Porno Thor, and Porno Captain America

So, I know enough about comic book things to know that I like it when there are movie adaptations of them. I also know that I like (love!) the X-Men movies best of all. Further, I know that Vince committed a great and grave oversight when he neglected to include X-Men XXX in his definitive ranking of X-Men movies because Porno X-Men is the absolute best!

See:

 

Ok so maybe X-Men XXX wasn’t even released yet when Vince made his list and maybe (maybe…) Porno X-Men isn’t the greatest of all great films in terms of source material authenticity, but these comic book parodies are great fun regardless. They camp up thoughts every single cosplaying comic book person has ever had – namely, what would it be like to be Magneto… and bang Rouge… and Emma Frost. Basically, they’re the perfect gift.

Wicked’s Fairy Tale Parodies

I admit it – when I heard about porno fairy tales, my initial response was a resounding “meh.” But I was oh so wrong.

Each of the Wicked Fairy Tales is a weird creepy twist on a familiar princess-type story all directly outta your childhood – Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella. Cinderella XXX is the best of the bunch, with Samantha Saint starring as Cindy. Veronica Avluv absolutely shines as the wicked stepmother, and Julia Ann plays the perfect fairy godmother. There are all kinds of twists and tweaks in Cinderella XXX that simply augment the sexy undertones present in the original version. It’s worth noting that nothing in this hardcore version is too over the top, making it a great film for people who may be new to and/or tentative about porn.

 

Deen vs. DeArmond

Everyone loves James Deen, but who they should really love is Dana DeArmond. In this proverbial “Battle of the Sexes,” James and Dana each bang the same porn starlet (Ash Hollywood), bang each other twice, and then have a three-way with a very, very thin woman I’d never heard of before.

If you want to satisfy your best lady friend – you know, the one who is both over eighteen and is constantly going on and on about how dreamy James is – give her this film! Well, maybe not. Deen vs. DeArmond is way hardcore and, in my opinion, a bit too much for a person who is only familiar with James Deen from the pages of GQ. But, if you’re looking to gift someone with a look at one of the quirkiest and strongest women working in porn today, this is your film. I honestly was really impressed.

Happy December!

pictured: Game of Bones, art a la UPROXX/FilmDrunk

Reprinted from UPROXX/FilmDrunk (12/15/14)

And ICYMI, you can read all my work featured on UPROXX/FilmDrunk com right –> here

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